Alternate Universe
by eris hanaka
Summary: Join Zack, Cloud, Axel, Roxas and Melissa on their adventures in this wild universe where FF7, KH, Disney, tuna fish and blue chicken come together.
1. Weapon for Sephiroth's Insanity P1

One day, Zack was walking down the Bailey when suddenly a paper landed on his face.

"Woah! Who turned out the lights?" he picked out the paper and checked it out. "What's this? It looks like some kind of... uh-huh... yes... ok... wow... this is cool... JENOVA's head... yes... awesome! Whoever thought this up is genius!" He ran excitedly to the bar. He wanted to try this.

.:::::::::.

"You have to be related! I mean the hair and the eyes!" Axel flapped his arms out, trying to emphasize his point to his audience.

Roxas stared at him weirdly. "I don't even know him my whole life."

Cloud nodded in agreement. "Yes. Take you and Reno for example."

"… Who's Reno?"

"He--" Cloud was cut from his reply as the door burst open. Roxas took another sip on his shake. He had this vibe he won't be finishing his drink. Zack entered the scene with a stupid grin on his face.

The younger blonde groaned. "Tell me this isn't like one of Axel's stupid ideas."

Axel glared at Roxas. "Hey! The idea of stealing Saix' underwear is NOT stupid."

"Says the guy who sticks his Popsicle to his jeans."

"That was just once and you distracted me--"

"Ahem," Zack cleared his throat. "My attention?"

"I have no idea why I'm here in the first place," Cloud mumbled.

"Did you say something Cloud?" Zack asked. Cloud shook his head hopelessly. The former didn't notice the blonde's aura. "Ok, look what I found!" He waved wildly a piece of white paper.

"Shinra report?" Cloud guessed.

"Ice cream menu?" Roxas smiled excitedly.

"Cloud's first love letter to Tifa?" Axel smirked. Cloud blushed wildly.

Zack chuckled. "No, no and no… but that's a good idea. I think I'll look for that some other time."

"Not really a good idea," Cloud stammered nervously.

"So what is it?" Axel crossed his arms.

"We are going to give ol' Sephy a hell of a time," Zack announced. Cloud raised his hand. "What is it Cloud?"

"Does it involve stealing his shampoo?"

"Why would you want to steal his shampoo?" Roxas looked confused.

Cloud looked uncomfortable. "Well… whenever I get to fight him, his hair always smells nice..." There was suddenly an awkward silence. Roxas sipped another helping. He never liked this silence whenever the four of them got together.

"… Let's pretend we didn't hear that," Zack said. Cloud nodded vigorously. "ANYWAY, Let's try it!"

"Count me in!" Axel stood up.

"I think I hear someone calling for me," Roxas started to walk away. "I don't think I'll join--"

"Oh no you don't," Axel caught his friend's shirt. "It's Namine calling Sora."

Roxas huffed. "Well I don't know the difference. Riku's calling me Sora and you guys are calling him Roxas." Axel ignored this.

"I'm in," Cloud said.

Zack smiled satisfactorily. So maybe this day won't be boring.

.::::::::::.

Ways to Annoy Sephiroth

1. Slowly walk up to him with a seductive look in your eyes. Just when he starts to like the attention, yell out, "Wait a minute, you aren't Cloud!" Then kick his shins and run away. If you are a guy, dress up like a girl and when he starts to like the attention, pull off your wig and say the same thing. That should get an even bigger reaction...

"Why do I have to be the girl?!" Cloud glared at Zack like he was about to kill him.

"It was voted three against one," Zack calmly replied. "Democratic, huh?"

"That's not Democracy," Cloud countered. "You three are ganging up on me… again!"

"It is Democracy, Cloud," Axel laughed. "With a bit of cheating."

"I think you'll look great in a dress," Zack encouraged.

"And the wig?"

Roxas snorted. Cloud glared at the other blonde. Roxas shuddered. "You'll do fine, man."

Cloud sighed heavily. "If I pull this off, all of you owe me 1000 munny each."

Zack smiled triumphantly. "That's the mercenary spirit! Now give ol' Sephy--"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence," Cloud stalked off.

---

Sephiroth was staring peacefully at the view of Radiant Garden. The Dark Depths isn't exactly the perfect scene host but it should do… especially if you are often getting into fights with a certain blonde. Yes, this is the perfect spot to have that peace and relaxation. A light smile formed to his delicate lips.

Suddenly, he had the feeling he was being watched. He suddenly tensed up and looked serious. Judging by this silent observance of him, this must be Leon and the others. He slowly turned around and froze.

There was a horrible impression of a woman staring at him. A cold electrifying feeling bolted through his spinal cord and raised a few hairs at his body. It was unnerving… and awkward. If he ever really considered it could be Leon, the SEED soldier should have a therapy.

The… woman continued to stare at him. He's not really sure it she's trying to be alluring or just plain repulsive. He made a mental shudder. And where the hell did she got that dress? He looked around if he was just being set up by Avalanche or the RGR Committee. There wasn't anyone in the vicinity.

The figure shifted her stance to another pose. Sephiroth raised his eyebrows, disturbed at what the hell is that guy/girl doing.

Then something dawned on him. He walked closer.

The figure looked surprised. Then it screamed. "Wait a minute, you aren't Cloud!" the voice clearly belonged to a man. He – Sephiroth was sure it was a male – ran towards him. He tried to kick. Sephiroth easily dodged him and retaliate back. The man wasn't able to dodge since he had the ridiculous dress and high-heeled shoes. The silver-haired landed perfectly on the ground with a soft thud.

"I appreciate you finally recognized me not as my enemy but frankly I don't swing that way. Get a life." He walked away.

---

"… uh… Cloud?" It was Zack's and he was looking at the unconscious SOLDIER.

Cloud groaned. "I hate you. Do you know that?" He tried to be serious but everything was all blurry and he can't make out why there was 3 Zacks, 4 Axels, and 2 Roxas. It's enough it was one before… what would happen to the world if there was more?

"Hurray! Cloud is alive!" Zack grabbed Cloud's arms and made him sat up. "And FYI, we only owe you 500 munny. You didn't annoy the guy; you only made him shudder."

"You bas--"

"So let's move on to the second," Axel interrupted. "Who wants to do it this time?"

"I don't want voting!" Cloud complained. "You're ganging against me! And I don't feel right when I said I like myself that way."

"How about sticks? Whoever gets the shortest one does the next gig," Zack replied and pulled out a stick. He cut it in four and held it.

Everyone took one.

---

2. Dress up like Aerith - but in zombie form - with your arms stretched out screaming, "BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!" to the top of your lungs. Bump into the walls occasionally.

"STOP LAUGHING!"

The three laughed even harder. They were in front of Traverse Town's Hotel rooms, particularly in front of Aerith's. Zack had his anime vein popping anytime soon. This is ridiculous! He swore he won't be pulling anymore sticks.

"Be a sport Zack," Roxas beamed. "All's fair in love and war. Besides, it will be weirder if the three of us would borrow her clothes--"

"And me?! You think it wouldn't be weird?!" Zack glared daggers.

Axel waved him off. "Chill dude. You could be like the obsessive boyfriend--"

"Ah shut up" Zack said. But he cooled down somehow. "Ah well, might as well get this over. If I pull this off, You owe me 5000 munny."

"Hey! That's overpricing!" Cloud complained.

Zack smirked. "I am hot." He knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" a woman's voice echoed inside and Aerith opened the door. She beamed when she saw Zack then Cloud. "Oh, good afternoon Zack, Cloud… and Axel and… Roxas…" She looked a bit disturbed at what she saw. Roxas couldn't blame her. Who wouldn't be disturbed if Zack and Axel came knocking at your doorstep. "Don't tell me it's another one of Axel's stupid ideas."

"My ideas are not stu--"

"It's mine this time," Zack quickly replied proudly.

Aerith looked a bit unsure. "Does it involve hunting Cloud's first love letter to Tifa?"

Cloud looked flustered. "No really--"

"Not yet… maybe after we pull this off. Aerith, I need to borrow your clothes. And stop laughing!" The raven haired glared once more to the three.

She didn't quite understood what is funny about a man borrowing a girl's clothes. "Uh… Zack? I think you need some therapy--"

The three laughed even harder. Zack rolled his eyes. "No Aerith. I'm not gonna wear it… well, I will… but I won't run around screaming 'bananas'."

"Oh…. Ok. Wait right here," Aerith left the door and came back a little while later with a pair of her clothes. "They are big for my size. You can have them… and don't bother bringing them back, no offense."

"Thanks Aerith."

"Your welcome."

---

After that incident, Sephiroth decided to better head for Edge. People won't recognize him anyway because he wore his hair in a ponytail this time… yup, no one will recognize him. They would just avoid him because he had this mean look on his face. It's not his hair. Nope. Not THAT.

A guy passed his way and he screamed in surprise. Sephiroth was a bit indignant. Heck, he was way hotter than this old geezer. He is not doing anything—

"BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!"

Unimaginably ridiculous.

"BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!"

He turned around.

"BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!"

And wondered why an Aerith-impostor is shouting in a high nasal male voice in the middle of a city with lots of people behind him. Crap, people would think he is with this… girl.

He tried to move away from her radius.

"BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!" the zombie Aerith followed his pace. She smiled goofily at him. Kinda like—

"Zack?!"

"BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!"

"… what in JENOVA'S name are you doing?"

"BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!"

"In Aerith's dress?"

"BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!"

"With a wig?"

"…BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!"

"Zack!"

"BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!... … … AND STOP HUMILIATING ME IN PUBLIC! AND STOP LAUGHING!" Sephiroth watched as Zack looked straight behind the bus. Now that Zack had pointed it out, he can make out stifled laughter.

"What the hell is going on here?" Sephiroth looked really unnerved… like he was surrounded by crazed mental people.

"Uh… BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!" the Aerith-zombie-Zack bumped to a random post. The eyeliner is smudging all around his face. It didn't look good when he was smiling insanely. "BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!"

---

"Score! 15000 munny!" Zack jumped high and waved the money high up.

"Man, I'm broke," Cloud complained. "Will we just stop with the pay gig?"

---

3. Put itching powder inside his boots and gloves right before an important battle.

4. When it gets to the part of the guitar solo on his theme song, jump in the middle of the battle and start headbanging while holding a broom, that posing as the guitar.

"What happened to the sticks?" Roxas looked petrified.

"We don't have one now," Zack replied, face completely without make-up except for the light lipstick he kept on since he thought he looked gorgeous with it.

"How about voting?" Roxas suggested.

"Ok. All in favor Roxas will pull 3 and 4… say aye," Cloud said. "Aye."

"Aye's for weirdos," Axel said, ignoring Cloud's impulse on a comeback. "Ditto."

"Agreed, Aye's for weirdos… Ditto," Zack said. "See Roxas? It still works both ways."

"But why do I have to pull two stunts?"

"Because yours only have 1 sentence. So, we have to include the next so it will have 2."

"That doesn't do justice!"

"Of course it doesn't!" Axel replied like it was the most obvious thing. "If it does, we should have Kingdom Hearts by now and totally kicking Sora's a$$. Now, let's take Sora head on to Sephiroth."

---

3. Put itching powder…

Roxas already made a round on Sora and Sephiroth. They should start soon. He sneaked to the Forgotten City where Sephiroth is right now and sleeping (Villains have more work than heroes, y'know). He somehow found his boots and gloves and put the itching powder in it. Now, if this wasn't Roxas, per say Axel or Zack, there would probably a snicker coming right now. But this was Roxas so all he did was sigh that it was over. Boring little kid, huh?

4. Headbanging while holding a broom keyblade, that posing as the guitar…

"Key--"

"Yup. The Oathkeeper if you please."

"But--"

"You don't want the Oathkeeper? I understand. Kairi's not much of a thing. How about Oblivion? I knew you had this thing for Ri--"

"No I--"

"Kingdom Key then?"

"Axel!"

"What?"

"Do I really have to headbang?"

"… Is that what you really wanted to ask me?"

"Yes."

"So you'll go for the Oathkeeper?"

"Argh! I don't care! Whatever. Fine, I'll do it."

Axel beamed. "I knew you'll agree to me."

Roxas simply rolled his eyes and simply waited for that theme song to start.

---

Sephiroth finally decided it's enough. This day has gotten way out of hand. Then all of a sudden, he was called to have a fight against Sora. As much as he is aware, this has nothing to do with any game. He had his suspicions. MAYBE… this is about that 'events' happening to him. First was that mad man; then Zack saying 'BRAAAIIII--' he shut the thought. That's enough to last him for a while. What if this is another prank? Saphiroth suspected Zack is working with Melissa* hence all the insanity. But that girl should be back by next week. After a long thought, he simply got on to fighting Sora.

Whatever.

He slipped on his battle gear. Something is not right there but he's got much more important things to do. He disappeared in his lair and teleported to Dark Depths… again.

Sora wasn't still there but it did not surprise him. The boy is always late.

Ah, here he comes…

Something is definitely wrong. He did a quick check. Theme song? Check. Battle gear? Check. Masamune? Check. Everything is in place. What's wrong now.

Suddenly, he had the urge to rub his hand furiously; then his feet unto the ground. He started to scratch it lightly… then moderately… then crossly. Ugh!

Sora looked confused at what is going on. "Uh… Sephiroth? Why are you--"

"Ah, shut up!" Sephiroth replied. He tried to ignore the persistent superficial distraction.

Estuans interius ira vehementi

Estuans interius ira vehementi

"Aw crap!" Sephiroth jumped all around the ground. Sora scratched his head. Then something hit him. He suddenly looked serious and jumped around as well.

"Ah-ha! You want to beat me in a jumping contest!" Sora said.

"No! I--"

Then Roxas appeared out of nowhere. He had his keyblade in hand and banging his head.

Sephiroth had his WTF look the rest of the day.

---

"That was priceless!"

---

A/N: Reviews make my day!

* Melissa – she's the OC. She won't have any major role. She'll just be my media in coming up crazy ideas. Instead of me as the narrator-thingy, she'll be.


	2. Would you like some tea?

What is scariest time of the day?

Morning? Nah, everyone is still sane, eating breakfast like good little children.

Sunrise? Only Axel and Genesis are weird enough to wake up early to see the sun at this hour... then there's the blue chicken but meh...

Sunset? The pavement is just wet and sticky with Roxas' sea salt ice cream. What's scary with that?

Night? Pssh. Yeah right. If people are not partying, chances are they're fighting some monsters or just wanna be alone.

Midnight? Saix is looking at Kingdom Hearts wishing he still have his underwear. Er... I mean, watching it with his Superior. That is disturbing... not scary.

So what is it?

Afternoon? Bingo. You hit the jackpot. And the dreadful hour is 2:30 pm. By now, the places are deserted and no one dared to head outside for the next two hours.

See, it's because they're scared of the sweet voice. And on one very unfortunate event...

"Shit, shit, shit, shit!" Cloud continued to freak out. He sprinted crazily toward his hotel room. He has to make it. Otherwise...

He checked the big clock at Traverse Town. 2:29 pm. He can make it. Just one more—

Ding. Ding. Oh shi—

"Oh, Cloud! I knew I'd find someone!" It was Aerith. Her voice didn't sound right though. It was a bit off key. She was smiling sweetly. In fact, too sweet—

"A-aerith!" Cloud stammered in horror at the angel face in front of him. That is one scary angel. "Uh... I... I... er... busy... um, you see, Zack... uh..." his mind went totally blank all of a sudden.

"Oh," her face fell but was lit up instantly. Cloud twitched. "How about a cup of tea...?"

He looked apologetic. "Maybe some other time - ah! I mean!" Cloud made a yelp at the sudden change of Aerith's expression. It outrivaled Sephiroth's.

"I'm sorry were you saying something?" she asked icily.

"... Nevermind," Cloud silently prayed Zack is here to save him.

"Would you like more tea?"

Cloud wasn't really sure how to answer no when you're tied up in a chair and about to pee. Damn woman, he already drank twenty cups of freaking tea! He squirmed without hope and felt like puking on his SOLDIER uniform. But he thought better of it. He only had one pair and he didn't want to ask Zack to lend him some. Not to mention Leon would freak out if he had to some puked laundry.

Haha. Leon in an apron...

Ahem. Back to the story.

Aerith tilted her head. "Is there something wrong?" She suddenly looked thoughtful. "You looked a bit sick..."

Cloud nodded gratefully. "Very."

Aerith looked worried then smiled reassuringly. "Then perhaps some tea would do you good."

Cloud looked mortified at the idea. "No!"

Aerith giggled. "Silly Cloud! The tea is hot and might be good for your tummy. I'll get some hot water."

"Wonder where is our little chocobo-head?"

"Huh?" Roxas glanced at Zack.

Zack shrugged. "He should be here for our next prank on Sephiroth."

Axel froze as realization dawned him. "You don't think...?"

Zack gulped nervously. His head shot to some random guy. "Hey you! What time is it?"

"2:45 sir."

The three bowed solemnly like someone died. "May he rest in peace."

_The next day..._

Sora just landed the gummi ship at Radiant Garden. He checked the time and made a silent victory dance. It's still 1:45. All he had to do is run like crazy until he's in the Great Maw.

"Ah! Help!"

Sora froze in his spot. Someone is in trouble. He shot towards the victim. A dozen or so Heartless were huddling close to someone. Sora didn't hesitate to charge and started hacking the enemies.

He dodged the attacks effortlessly and summoned Fira, Blizzaga, and then Thundara. Three Neoshadows somehow retaliated his attack with their own skill. It hit him completely. He flew of the ground but did an aerial recovery. He smirked victoriously. His drive gauge just got full.

Then something hit him on the head. Stupid Sora. He didn't have any party members. He pouted and got on fighting without his drive.

After some three batches of Heartless appearing simultaneously, Sora's battle ended. He sighed. "That is... wow."

"Thank you Sora."

Sora grinned and turned to her direction. "No problem Aerith - Aerith?" he swore his jaw dropped to the ground. He stuttered and glanced at time. Gah! 2:35 pm.

Aerith continued to smile at the Keyblade Hero. "You must be tired...?"

"No thanks, Aerith... I - uh - eep!" Sora screamed like a little girl.

Aerith raised her eyebrow cockily. "I didn't quite catch that, _boy_," she seethed.

Sora whimpered slightly. He saw Cloud just yesterday and he looked - he simply shuddered at the thought.

"Sora dear, you look a bit green."

The brunette had no idea what color he's turning on. How many flavors can a tea have? He already had twenty five empty cups in his table and still Aerith hadn't set him free.

"Another tea?"

He shook his head vigorously. He made an incoherent noise. He never liked the pretend tea times he had with Riku, Tidus and Selphie when they were little kids. This is going to be traumatic. "Please Aerith-"

Aerith cheered. "Oh Sora, I knew you want more! It's really nice you started saying 'please' than the other awful things..."

Like 'Stop! Enough! Ah! Bleh! Ew! What the heck is that? Is that...? Gross!' and so on and forth. Sora frowned. One thing he knew that awful things are somehow hoped to be heard and done.

"Sora is supposed to be here," Yuffie was staring at her nunchuks.

Leon only crossed his arms. "Probably Aerith-"

Sora's scream pierced the whole bailey. Yuffie only shuddered. "That woman can really be insane."

So is that kind of afternoons the place was deserted… But there was one time that hour turned out to be the most epic of all...

"I won't let you near her!" Cloud brandished his Buster sword and looked menacingly.

Sephiroth only smirked. "Return to the dark and I won't need her."

Cloud glared at his rival and started attacking. Sephiroth easily blocked the attacks and retaliate at Cloud's second pausing. The blonde barely dodged the thrust. He jumped to the air. Sephiroth caught his level and their clashes started.

Aerith held her breath. Her hand both held each other, praying for Cloud's safety. "Cloud..."

"Is that the best you can do?" The silver-haired taunted. He instantly summoned a dark Firaga and aimed it at Cloud. The latter turned to a defensive stance and got his elixir ready.

Ding Dong.

Cloud froze at the horrible sound. 2:30. Crap!

Apparently, Aerith also heard the clock's ring. "Is it that time already?" She tilted her head. Cloud made an incomprehensive sound and ran away. Forget his pride; he'll attend to it later.

Sephiroth land neatly at the ground and looked confused for the first time in a long run. "What's with him?"

"Sephiroth, dear."

Sephiroth frowned. That two words don't go together... especially with that tone and voice. He spun around and saw Aerith smiling innocently...?

"Thank you for not running away. Cloud seemed to have so."

Sephiroth felt a bit unnerved at the girl. Why would he, the greatest villain of all time that made all gamers have a hard time fighting, be scared of her? "How so?"

Aerith's face was full of concern. "Aw, poor Sephy, you don't know what time it is?"

Sephy? "I don't need time to - ah! What is your problem woman!" he glared at Aerith. He wanted to kill her right now. Who in their right mind would throw him hot tea?

He looked at his clothing and looked surprised. Why did it penetrate his uniform? That is not ordinary tea. Aerith smiled her usual smile. "It's tea time General."

"Cloud you made it!" Zack cheered as he patted Cloud at the back. "Seriously man that was the shortest time you defeated Sephi-"

"I didn't defeat him. Aerith was there and the clock and - hey!" Cloud shot his head all over the bar and not a single soul was left. He groaned. He wouldn't risk being seen by Aerith at this hour.

Zack, Yuffie, Sora, Axel, Leon, Roxas, Demyx and others I failed to mention due to boredom in typing names were watching intimately at the Market Place. Aerith and Sephiroth were having a duel.

Perhaps the most epic -

"Tea?"

The gang had no idea how did Aerith manage to tie Sephiroth in a chair and making him drink tea. But in reality, nobody does. You just find yourself tied in a chair.

In the case of Sephiroth...

The silver-haired ex-SOLDIER struggled to free himself. Damn, that Ancient could tie a knot. He hasn't drunk any tea yet and he could tell she was getting annoyed. Yeah, right. Like she was the only one with the right to get annoyed. Sephiroth was having a hard time to contain himself. He would kill her when he gets out here—

"Vanilla?"

"No, I-" he cursed mentally for even replying. Aerith chugged the whole cup to his barely opened mouth. Hot liquid pierced his throat. He wondered what temperature she boiled that stuff.

Aerith giggled. "I'm very happy to have a special guest. I guess today is really special... right guys?" She looked directly at the gang's hideout.

"Aaaah!"

It was a lovely afternoon for Aerith. She always wanted to have a grand tea party and it's all coming true. Everyone drank three dozens of different tea.

Unfortunately, her supply ran out. She a bit disappointed.

But oh well, she could always have more some other time.

Meanwhile...

Cloud was busy drinking a fruit shake he made all by himself. It wasn't really worth it to watch Sephiroth get tortured if Aerith was involved. He smiled at the constant screams of the victims.

Ah, the sound of victory.

_A/N: This one isn't one of my best creations. I'm just curious if Aerith was on crack. Poor Sephiroth. He always gets to be the victim. Haha. Review!_


End file.
